


I've been waiting my whole life - to know i wanted you

by britishngay



Category: Heathers (1988), Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: F/F, basically veronica through the years after high school thinking about her life n stuff, but - Freeform, ngl dont know how to characterise this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:08:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25557853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/britishngay/pseuds/britishngay
Summary: Veronica’s eighteen when she arrives in Pennsylvania.Ready for her future, one where she can leave the hellhole of Sherwood behind and the craziness of Senior Year.High school was the proverbial rose filled with thorns, and Veronica is all too happy to grab a pair of tweezers and yank those thorns from her hands.
Relationships: Heather Chandler/Veronica Sawyer
Comments: 19
Kudos: 112





	1. Twelve years is a long time

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, not sure howto describe this but i hope y'all enjoy

Veronica’s eighteen when she arrives in Pennsylvania.

Ready for her future, one where she can leave the hellhole of Sherwood behind and the craziness of Senior Year.

High school was the proverbial rose filled with thorns, and Veronica is all too happy to grab a pair of tweezers and yank those thorns from her hands. It was painful and confusing and embarrassing and being in a school which still upheld the archaic hierarchal system of the 1950s made life even worse, even when Veronica joined the head clique. Things like losing her virginity and getting her first _real_ boyfriend make her cringe, even though they were only a few months ago, there’s something so awkward about firsts that no one can escape from, except maybe Heather.

She’s ready to meet new people to learn, to not have people remember that she was the girl that threw up on Heather Chandler’s shoes while defending the most unpopular and uncool girl in the school, and her best friend for years, who she had left for a sliver of immunity against them and their reign of terror.

Yeah, she was happy that no one knew about that.

It was terrifying in a way that Veronica was excited for, in a way that she was meant for, not the one where there’s a hierarchy of teenage girls ready to tear your face off with words.

When she’s moving into her dorm she catches herself thinking of the others, the people she’d spent hours of her life with. Not just her friends, her friends who she sat next to in History, in Physics, the people who she will most likely never see again. She’s ready to leave all of the shittiness of high school, she’s got those photos from a photobooth in the mall a town over that she took with Heather (that one day that there were kinda friends) that she finds that she just can’t get rid of.

Martha’s at culinary school out East, they call as much as they can on the communal landline but the issue is with a communal landline is that everyone who is still dating their high school sweethearts, not that she would call JD her sweetheart. Their relationship was nice, it was nice to have someone to kiss and touch and get along well enough with, even though he had a lot of plans to blow up shit that Veronica was able to steer him away from. There wasn’t much else to it, breaking up seemed right and they remained friends over the Summer, but any friendship they had quickly fizzled out when JD moved out of his Dad’s house – fucking finally, that was _not_ a healthy relationship – and couldn’t afford a phone that properly worked until well into Veronica’s first year and they’d both changed so much by then that it felt stilted and awkward to talk.

At least Martha does most of the talking while Veronica listens and bats off various people who want to use the phone, she uses the glare that Heather taught her in one of the moments that Veronica thought that they could be friends, or at least friends adjacent.

But she tries not to think about Heather, or anyone from Sherwood.

(Except when she wants to feel a bit better about herself so she thinks about Ram and Kurt and them staying in Sherwood and working for their parents forever.)

One phone between twenty girls means one hell of a fight for twice a week.

Her roommate ends up being a woman called Mel, who immediately sets up shop and threatens Veronica if she touches her stuff.

Veronica likes her immediately.

They end up bonding over McDonalds and a bottle of wine that Mel’s brother bought her so she could be seen as sophisticated in College. Mel rolled her eyes when she told the story, calling her brother stupid but with a fond grin on her face as she took a sip straight from the bottle before handing it to Veronica. It’s the first wine she’s tried since Martha’s first communion, it tastes awful but after a few sips she doesn’t really taste it at all. She finds out that the other woman is from New York and when Veronica exclaimed how crazy it was that she gave up New York for Pennsylvania she said: “honey, New York is like a man, fun for five minutes then you realise you could do better’ Veronica laughed, it’s something only a native New Yorker could say, she tried to insult it and Mel gave her a stare that could make Kurt Kelly wet himself, only New York insults New York.

She ends up almost being late because of the wine and the way it went straight to her head, it’s okay because at least she’s not the guy who came in half an hour late with his shirt on inside out, she’s just the girl who has a small hangover and can’t completely focus on Professor Callahan talking about the syllabus, which, surprise is just a lot of reading, that’s what she gets for choosing English Literature.

Even though her head is pounding slightly and she is _not_ looking forward to reading Moby Dick or the Great Gatsby again, there’s a steady thrum of excitement she has for a new beginning. She’s wanted to be free from the ball of loneliness that lived in her gut and free of the small-town-small-mindness that hurt to even be around.

She ends up in the same kind of rhythm she would have in Senior Year, only without the bullying and everyone knowing who you are. She works, a lot, she gets a job at the bar that most students go, the finds her rhythm and runs, as fast as she can.

Her and Mel end up being very good friends, she rivals Veronica’s dryness and sarcasm with even more wit and snark, Veronica teaches her the best ways to sneak out without the RA noticing – something she had to do a _lot_ when seeing JD or any of the Heathers – and Mel teachers her about drinking and living in a way that would be too big for a little old town in Ohio. Mel makes her watch ‘Hair’ and Veronica makes her watch ‘Nightmare on Elm’ it works perfectly.

Mel drags her to party after party after party, she constantly asks if there are any cute boys that catch Veronica’s eyes and she says a vehement no. After JD, she thinks she’ll just lay low for a while, plus all the boys on her course have a massive hard-on for Ayn Rand which is quite possibly one of the worst books Veronica ever read and one of the worst political ideologies to be explained in a book. Everything blurs after a while, Veronica knows that she has days off on Wednesdays so she gets dragged to the bar or a party by Mel on Tuesdays and that Martha calls on Mondays and Thursdays and everything is nice and fun, but memorable in a way that she can’t explain.

Until a party, on 16th March 1991.

Veronica knows from the second that she enters the house that she’ll remember the evening forever, weed can be smelt from halfway down the street and the sounds of synth can he heard from the bus stop Veronica gets off at. It’s the first party she’s been to the entire year without Mel dragging her there – which is kind of embarrassing considering that she was bordering on her fifth month at college – but she’s there.

A girl from class invited her, Liz, she has long blonde hair – not the curly kind that Heather had – and a smile on her face that’s teasing and soft all at once. It makes Veronica’s stomach feel things that she really wants to bury down and focus on when she’s not getting her degree and starting her life; but when she’s faced with Liz’s goddamn smile and leans in close enough that Veronica could smell her perfume, the feelings come straight to the surface and she almost breaks her neck when nodding in agreement to coming to her party.

There is something about her that reminds of her Heather that she can’t quite place, some part of her brain is telling her that that means that she should probably stay away but Veronica ignores it and goes to the party.

So, she steps through the door, the heat of the place making it almost impossible to be wearing as many layers as she is. Someone notices her and shouts for Liz, the woman comes through the party, a drink in her hand, a smile on her face and something in Veronica drops. Liz’s skin showing was new and refreshing and making heat pool at the bottom of Veronica’s stomach in a way that’s new and exciting and fucking terrifying.

“Veronica! Where’s Mel?” She asks, right next to Veronica’s ear, the house is so overwhelming but all she can focus on it how close Liz is.

“Date night.”

Mel’s out with her girlfriend, choosing Saturdays as date night was a choice on Mel’s part but Eva only has Saturdays off for work. They’re the kind of couple that is sickeningly cute, like their PDA isn’t the full tongue make-out that Veronica was subjected to whenever Mac had Kurt around but more kisses on the cheeks and calling each other honey; by the time they were a week in they had been married for forty years.

“Less of you to share then.” She says with a devastating smirk on her face as she grabs Veronica’s wrist and pulls her toward where drink after drink after drink is piled on top of each other.

“What’s your poison?”

“Gin.”

“Ah, a woman of culture.”

“Hardly, Ohio just has three options, vodka, beer or gin.”

“No wine?”

“Not if you wanted to stay alive.” Liz snorts as she grabs a bottle of gin from the back of the pile, her shirt rides even further up as she leans over to find it, Veronica makes an effort to decidedly not stare at the new strip of skin on display.

“Also you’re from Ohio?”

“Guilty as charged.”

“I think it’s cute, I’m from Portland, it’s gross.” She hands Veronica the bottle, it only has a third left and from the looks of it, it pays to not like beer or vodka like everyone else does. Liz leans against the counter and stares up at Veronica as she speaks.

“Yeah, racism, homophobes and bullying, all that small town charm.”

“Sh, let me romanticize it.”

Veronica lets out a laugh and they stay there, talking, for at least an hour. People have to lean over them, scurry around them to grab drinks but Veronica hardly notices as Liz recounts a story from her first week at Penn state and she got so lost she almost ended up in Pittsburgh. Liz pours herself beer after beer as Veronica nears the end of the bottle of gin and the world around her starts blurring in a way that makes her open up more and smile even wider. They talk about random, inconsequential things that Veronica will forget about by the morning but she doesn’t care because her cheeks hurt from smiling and she can talk to Liz without freaking out about everything she’s saying.

“C’mon let’s dance.”

“Let me drink a bit more first.” Veronica answers, not wanting to show Liz how rhythm deaf and double left footed she is.

“You’ve been saying that for fifteen minutes, please?”

Liz hits her with some puppy dog eyes that would even makes Callahan let her give in an essay a week later – she’s seen it happen.

“Fine, but if I demolish your feet it’s your own fault.”

For the second time that evening she drags Veronica somewhere. Sometime when they were talked the atmosphere changed from the fun, loud, drunken party, to one where everyone is with someone and dancing with no space between them. Liz starts moving in something that _could_ be construed as dancing, but it’s more like grinding and gyrating all in one, Veronica stands as stiff as a board doing the trusty two-step. Liz steps closer to Veronica and she almost steps back but she feels someone behind her and there’s a part of her that really doesn’t want to move.

“You can move more you know.” Liz says, she’s speaking right in her ear, like she did when Veronica first walks in but it makes Veronica shiver with how she says it. Her hands end up on Veronica’s hips and start moving them in time with hers. It’s so _hot_ in a way that Veronica hasn’t felt in a while. JD made her feel like this in the beginning, like she was on fire with a touch, like there was no one else in the world but the two of them. There’s a different flavour to it now. Now there’s an edge of danger, this is a girl, Veronica is a girl, is this right? Is this okay?

She’s brought out of all of these thoughts by a recognizable opening of a song, one of the only songs that she really knows.

“I know this song.” She says, Liz looks up at her, Veronica didn’t notice how one of her arms ended up on Liz’s waist while the other goes across her shoulders.

“Why so surprised?”

Veronica leans down and mimics the way that Liz talked to her a few moments ago.

“I have a soft spot for Sinatra.”

She feels, or imagines but it feels pretty real, Liz shivering slightly at her breath against her ear, before pulling back and staring into her eyes.

“I’ve seen the way you stare at me.”

“How do I stare at you?”

Veronica knows the way that she looks at Liz, she looks at her the way she used to look at JD, the look that she would catch herself at staring at Heather, when she was drunk enough and Heather was acting like a halfway decent human being.

“Like you want me.”

Those four words send shockwaves down her spine.

“Do you want to go somewhere quieter?”

They stop moving for a second, just staring at each other. Veronica nods and she gets dragged, for the third time, upstairs this time. She gets pushed into, what she guesses is Liz’s room, from the Fleetwood Mac and Eagles posters adjourning the room. She ends up sitting on Liz’s bed as the other woman straddles her and is about to kiss her when-

“Wait, I’ve, uh, never done _this_ ,” She awkwardly gestures between them, “before.”

“Not with a woman?”

Veronica shakes her head, she suddenly feels embarrassed and looks away from the other woman for a second.

“Do you want to?”

She makes eye contact with her again, Liz’s tone is so kind as she holds Veronica’s hands and checks her face for any signs that she’s lying, Veronica nods and Liz smiles.

“But I don’t like boys any less.”

“You can like both.” Liz’s hands move from Veronica’s and holds her face. “Can I kiss you?”

Veronica answers by putting her lips against hers, Liz’s lips are softer than JD’s, or any boy she’s kissed. She moves slowly against her, letting the natural rhythm of the kiss take over rather that trying to take control.

Yeah, Veronica will never forget this night.

\--

_She’s in Duke’s house instead of Mac’s for the graduation party, apparently the last one got too rowdy for the ever absent parents of Mac so they were forced to uses Duke’s slightly less massive mansion for the entirety of the 1990 class to get wasted at._

_So that’s what they do._

_Darren Greenfield’s passed out on the trampoline, two of Duke’s five bathrooms are out of commission for people who drank more than they could stomach (full pun intended) and Veronica just watches it all happen, getting drunker and drunker as the evening goes on._

_She’s free, or at least she will be free in three months. Away from Sherwood at last, away from the football assholes and country club kids and all that jazz, she let’s out a sigh of relief at the thought and takes another drink. Almost everyone is there, except the three people Veronica would really like, but it’s really for their own safety, Veronica would be fearing for their lives if she ever left them unattended at this place. Plus, they’re having a celebratory movie marathon tomorrow that she will probably have more fun at – well it’s a different kind of fun, more intimate with inside jokes rather than watching dumbasses face plant because they thought they could outdrink Heather McNamara._

_Her head lulls back onto the back of the sofa, wow, she is drunker than she thought._

_She watches people dance in front of her, it’s a shitty kid of dancing that’s either jumping or moving your body vaguely in time with the music, not that she could do much better to be honest, especially with the alcohol in her system. She sees Mac bouncing with Kurt Kelly, she wishes that she would move on from that sleaze-bag, she’s the nicest Heather by far, the one who called her during her week of solitude after puking on Heather’s shoes. Veronica just wants her to want more than Sherwood, she told her so after their failed double date with Kurt and Ram, she never really understood Veronica’s drive to leave this place, she hopes that going to College out of state will help._

_She sees Duke pouring herself another glass of vodka in the kitchen, she wishes that she would like herself more, that she would go to therapy, that she’d find someone that would treat her better than Heather will. Veronica knows she can, she believes that Duke can find love, for herself and someone else. Veronica’s seen the way she’s stared at Mac a bit longer than everyone else does, Veronica may have the emotional maturity of a teaspoon but she can tell when someone is pining._

_God, she needs a smoke._

_Veronica decides that she’s done wishing for people and stands up, swaying slightly (a lot) and starts walking to where she left her purse with her blessed Newports and lighter._

_The stairs are quite the endeavor while sober, let alone whatever the hell Veronica is right now. Mac’s house is big but Duke’s house is_ tall, _she has to go up a whole load of stairs before she finds Duke’s book filled room. There is a lot that Heather could try to take away from Duke, but her mind isn’t one of them._

_There’s all of the shit that they got ready with on the bed, Heather’s massive red purse and Mac’s tiny black one, the coat that Veronica’s mother insisted that she bring, even though it’s June. She finds her purse and cigarettes and lighter and goes to Duke’s balcony, because of course she has a balcony in her room, and runs into Heather._

_“Oh, it’s just you.”_

_“Just me? I’m wounded Heather.”_

_She simply rolls her eyes in response. Damn, she must be really drunk, or sad, to let Veronica talk to her like this without snapping at her._

_“What’s wrong?”_

_“Like you care.”_

_“Hey! I helped you in the toilets right? I’m a caring person, plus if you’re afraid of whatever it is getting around then firstly, I’m off to Pennsylvania as soon as September hits and secondly, I probably won’t remember it, I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m pretty damn drunk.”_

_Heather waits a second, mulling over what Veronica said, while she waits to respond Veronica puts the cigarette in between her lips the wrong way then gets surprised when it doesn’t feel the same in her mouth. She’s so focused on what she’s doing wrong that she barely hears Heather._

_“I’ve spent so long hurting people and for what, we’re leaving, we’re gone.”_

_Oh, she’s drunk_ and _sad. Her voice is slurring slightly, the words blending together slightly. The prime mix for the girl. She doesn’t have her popular girl mask on, her face is so open and her emotions are plainly on view for Veronica to see._

_“I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.”_

_Veronica lights her cigarette, which has been lying dormant since Heather started talking._

_“You’ve picked one hell of a time to grow a conscience.”_

_She flinches slightly and Veronica’s bluntness, good. Even in Veronica’s mind she knows that Heather needs to be told some truths, and that she has to be the one who tells them._

_“Go apologise, I dare you. You won’t, because you can’t not be in charge, ever.”_

_Heather stares at the houses across the street, Veronica offers her the cigarette and she takes it; inhaling for what seems like forever before she replies._

_“You’re mean.”_

_It’s childish and petulant and so Heather Chandler that Veronica almost laughs._

_“So are you. You need to hear it, if you truly regret your actions for the last four years then change and don’t be a dick for the next 80. Say, why do you like to make other people feel like shit? Do you feel like shit? Does acting out give you attention from your parents? Or are you just a shitty person?”_

_“I don’t know.”_

_“Well,” she starts, not really knowing how to finish the sentence, Heather looks on the verge of tears, curling into herself against the railings of Duke’s balcony. Maybe she was a bit too harsh._

_“Lucky for you, I believe people can change, and even better, I don’t think you’re a completely awful person.”_

_She brightens slightly at that, well as brightly as someone who looks like a deflated kiddie pool can be._

_“You don’t?”_

_“Nah. Everyone has the capacity for good, it just depends on what you bloody do with it, you’ve done a pretty shitty job of it recently, but you can do it.”_

_“I don’t know how.”_

_“Compliment me.”_

_“I always do.”_

_“Like really do it, it’s a little thing to get you on your way.”_

_“Um, you’re actually gorgeous, like not just your face but everything about you.”_

_That leaves Veronica silent for a moment, it warms something in her, something she isn’t quite ready to unlock right now. It makes her smile, which makes Heather’s lips quirk up slightly._

_“Thanks.”_

_That makes Heather smile more._

_“Making other feel good feels better than tearing them down right?”_

_“It’s not the same good.” She argues, Veronica rolls her eyes._

_“Don’t you feel better still though._ Now. _You still feel tingly, over making someone else feel better, that feeling would’ve died out if you were mean.”_

_“It’s selfish.”_

_She picks now to have morals?_

_“I said you could be good, I never said you weren’t selfish.”_

_God, this confidence could get her in some real shit, at least she can blame it on the alcohol. Heather recoils from her slightly._

_“Fuck you Veronica.”_

_“Everyone’s selfish Heather, you’re not special. Being good is a choice, I like seeing other people happy, it makes_ me _happy and sure, that’s a little selfish but it’s better than everyone being fucking miserable and that’s what you do.”_

_“Thanks for your honestly.” She hands the cigarette back to Veronica, who had barely noticed it’s absence. “C’mon.” Veronica takes a drag of the cigarette that she barely got to smoke before throwing it off the balcony and watching it fall for a second before following Heather._

_“You gonna murder me?” She jokes as she enters Duke’s room. Heather shakes her head and pulls Veronica in for a hug. She doesn’t know what to do, Heather never touches people, she just stares at them, she’s pretty sure this is one of the first physical interactions they’ve ever had. Her arms are stiff and held in the air as Heather’s snake around her back._

_“Thanks, really.” The sentence is muffled against Veronica’s neck and she finally hugs back, her face in Heather’s never-ending hair._

_“Er, no problemo.”_

_That seems to snap Heather out whatever she’s doing and feeling, her popular girl mask slipping back on. She almost jumps back from Veronica, tripping over one of the purses slightly, she stabilizes herself and glares at Veronica when she tries to step forward and hold her stable. Heather collects herself and starts to leave, she turns back and they make eye contact._

_Heather nods at her, once, before the leaves, Veronica just sighs and heads to the balcony again._

\--

Veronica’s twenty four when she moves to Seattle with Mel.

They’re not entirely sure why they chose Seattle but they go, Mel becomes a studio bassist while Veronica tries to get a job with any paper that’ll take her. She ends up not getting into any so she flexes her bartending muscles and works at a bar two blocks down from their tiny apartment. They’d lived together in Philadelphia until the rent increased and Mel gets fired from her job as the replacement bassist for an ‘up and coming’ band from Philly, but it’s implied that there are studios who need them, so she guesses that that was one of the reasons.

Veronica goes where to wind takes her, she would like to be a journalist, but that’s not looking too promising in Philly so she’s happy to close shop and get to Seattle.

Nothing much happens for a while, her and Mel have reached the level of friendship where they don’t need to talk around each other anymore, they already start to hate the parties they went to during their three years of College. She can’t believe that they’re turning into old women at the age of 24, it’s actually kind of sad. Eva and Mel break up after their third year together, they got so bad that by the end Veronica could hardly stand being in the same room as them because they would be arguing or making out and both of which made her nervous sweat. And Veronica ended up sleeping with Liz a couple more times, she finds out that she loves eating people out and saying things that make whoever she’s sleeping with shiver with anticipation – basically she loves using her tongue. Whatever they have never blossoms into anything more, and Veronica finds herself realizing that her last, and only, relationship was with JD.

She’s not quite sure what to think about that.

Veronica finally gets one of those Motorola mobile phones and speaks to Martha at any chance she gets, Martha’s in New York. She’s been able to climb her way into the busy, _busy,_ hotel restaurant scene and ends up calling Veronica half asleep of the walk home but her voice never stops being so bright and Veronica’s glad that she’s so happy. She ends up asking about JD on the other line and Martha goes uncharacteristically quiet for a second down the line before explaining that JD’s been living in Chicago for a while now and has seemed to get his life under control; but not enough to talk to Veronica, only Martha. It stings, but she understands, life moves on, unrelenting. She tells Martha about handsy clients and the various failed romantic endeavors of her roommate, who she has yet to bring back to Sherwood at a break. Martha scolds her for that, wanting to meet the mysterious ‘Mel’ (who isn’t really that mysterious because they’ve talked multiple times over Veronica’s phone).

They become friends with a guy, Ted, down the hall who bakes them a ‘welcome to the block’ brioche that Mel almost devours while Veronica makes conversation with him; she finds herself checking him out until he flashes a confused smile at her when she flirts and she understands; she has an ability to attract gays. She supposes that she’s half gay so that might be part of it – she really needs to find a words for that because half-gay just doesn’t feel right.

She still avoids dating, the whole idea scares her to be honest, she’d seen first had how cut up Mel was after Eva (and Akira and Brandy) and decided that she was not quite ready for it yet. Instead she falls into bed with half the people of Seattle, women who she whispers into their ears that make them curl into her as they open their doors and men who try to be in charge but always end up on their back as she rides them with a punishing pace. If you can’t be sleep with as many people in your twenties, then is life really worth it?

Ted becomes a weekly guest at dinner, his stories of failed romance are even more riveting than Mel’s and they end up getting along in a safe group that Veronica was afraid she’d never be able to make after high school. There’s something about being forced to sit next to people for five hours that makes people friends immediately, or having five days a week surrounded by the same people, it’s annoying in the moment but it’s a lot harder in the adult world. If she even constitutes as an adult, being twenty four she feels like a child and an adult all at the same time.

Veronica starts writing, in a way that she hadn’t done since creative writing in grade five, at the start it’s cringy and the dialogue is just exposition dump after exposition dump but gradually it gets better, not incredible but _better._ She finds that it makes her clear her mind, she does it into the night, it’s not like she was going to sleep well anyway, might as well do something with the time instead of over thinking everything in her life. She takes people and moulds them to her ideas, she uses JD’s smile for the sarcastic friend of the protagonist, she uses Ted’s humour in the internal monologue. She can’t believe how much she uses the Heathers as antagonists, as barriers to a character’s end goal; but they’re interesting to use and easy to mould so she simply doesn’t overthink when she uses the fact that Duke used to read Moby Dick over and over again and that Mac absolutely despised the bus because it’s too loud and she’s get overwhelmed or Heather’s power and her cruel smile and evil beauty.

Mel tries to get her to send chapters away but Veronica always declines, they’re not that good and she’s not sure that anyone would want to publish something where a character is openly attracted to whoever they want, not confined by gender.

Sometimes she thinks of people again, she hates how much she thinks of Heather Chandler, high school was six years ago for god’s sake, but she can’t help replaying their talk at the graduation party. Veronica wonders if she’s changed, if she’s stayed the same, bossing and bullying. She never even knew what Heather wanted to do as she grew up, so she can’t even imagine what she’s doing. She can see Mac teaching cheer, Duke getting her PhD, JD doing something, _anything;_ she can’t see anything for Heather, only a girl with a cruel smirk and eyes that could cut someone in half.

Veronica’s still got those photos from the photobooth, a reminded of her old life that she just can’t get rid of.

She really should be past this, past _whatever_ the hell she had with Heather Chandler.

They were more co-workers than friends and yet there were moments where she would just be so close and it would be silent and the whole world went away.

God, snap out of it Veronica, people are ordering drinks.

It’s not the busiest night they’ve had but it’s enough that she needs to focus on everyone instead of zoning out and thinking about a girl who she hasn’t seen or heard from for six years. She supposes she could say the same for JD but she understands his inability to communicate.

She’s made so many margarita’s and gin and tonic’s this evening that she’s pretty sure she could do it in her sleep, she’s just excited to head home, sleep, then wake up in time for the new episode of Friends that her, Mel and Ted watch with take-out pizza from the place down the street.

“Hey, can I get a beer?”

She shakes herself out of it again and walks over to the man who’s been there a couple of times now, she never knows his name but doesn’t mind when he smiles at her softly.

“That’ll be $2.” He hands over two dollar bills and has a massive gulp of beer. He’s handsome, balding slightly on the top of his head, but his face is kind and he shaves close to his face.

“I was wondering if, uh, you’d like to go on a date at some point.” He asks as she starts to walk away, his voice cracks on the word date, Veronica wonders how long it’s taken him to get the courage to ask her out. She turns back around and leans on the bar, purposefully, leaning forward in the way that Mac taught her to show off her chest, his eyes stay on his face.

“What’s your name?”

“Harrison?”

“Saturday, 7 o’clock, meet me out front. Don’t murder me.” She winks at him, he blushes and smiles.

How bad could one date be?

\--

_Veronica realises too late that she’s practically alone in the room with Heather Chandler._

_It’s the first time she hangs out with the almighty Heathers by themselves, without the whole school watching. They’re just four teens watching shitty movies in Heather’s massive ass, empty ass house. It’s weird, she’d built up this mythic aura around the Heathers, just like the rest of the school, but right now, in this moment, they’re just teens. Veronica knows that she shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be with the girls who make Martha cry and pretended that she didn’t exist for years until they needed something from her, and she caved in for the idea of immunity and power and everything that she despises but went there anyway._

_The stupid Barbarella sci-fi movie is ending and she sees that Heather and Heather are asleep and curled up with each other in a way that’s almost too close to be just friends but she’s pretty sure that she’s the only one who notices the energy between them. Maybe everyone thinks that they’re just friends, that they’re just close. There’s a tension between them that should snap at some point, whether it’ll implode or explode is up to them but between Heather’s ability to ignore when things are tits up and Duke’s desire to fit in Veronica reckons that the tension that should snap will remain and fade away when they won’t talk to years._

_Heather seems to notice at the same time that they’re alone and the silence is awkward and deafening and she tries so hard not to look at Heather because she’s pretty sure that she can feel Heather burning holes into the side of her head._

_Veronica finally gives in and turns to see that she’s right, those blue eyes and looking right at her in an emotion that’s indescribable. She nods her head towards the kitchen and gets up, Veronica has no choice but to follow – what would the girl do if she didn’t?_

_Something evil._

_But boy, if evil didn’t look amazing._

_She tiptoes through Heather’s living room, where the credits are playing and Heather and Heather are wrapped up in each other, asleep. Veronica wonders if Heather ever feels lonely or left out by the two of them, or maybe her arrival is the perfect opportunity for them to act like that. They get to the kitchen and Heather takes a second, getting herself a glass of water before staring Veronica down._

_Veronica feels her heart drop to her feet._

_“Why did you help us?” Her voice is quiet and terrifying and cold and low and all the kids of things that sets Veronica’s skin on edge._

_“What?”_

_“Why did you help us in the bathroom? We can get out of detentions easily.”_

_“I don’t know I just did, and then I saw an opportunity to get out of you bullying me and my friends.”_

_“Who says I’ll leave you loser friends alone?”_

_“Me.”_

_“You won’t do anything.”_

_“I can leave, that would certainly undermine your power, wouldn’t it, Heather?”_

_To Veronica’s surprise Heather smirks down at her, she towers over the brunette because Veronica – stupidly – threw off her shoes when she came in but Heather kept her heels on. Heather’s lipstick is red against her pale face, she absentmindedly wonders if it would rub against her lips if she kissed her. Heather’s wearing some expensive perfume that makes Veronica want to cough but she doesn’t, she’ll hold her ground, even if she loses this battle, she’ll show Heather that she’ll fight her at every turn if she has to._

_“You would never.”_

_Veronica gulps, she lost this one, but she’ll win next time._

_Heather steps away from her, grabbing her glass and finishing it without breaking eye contact with Veronica._

_“Don’t forget what I can do.”_

_Heather struts out of the room, somehow not waking up the entire house with her heels._

_That’s when Veronica vows to herself that she’ll stop her friends hurting, she’ll make Heather change, she’ll make things better._

_\--_

Veronica’s twenty eight when she comes home, if she can even call Sherwood that, for the ten year reunion.

She gave in and let Mel take her manuscript of her book to a publishers, it took seven tries but someone eventually got published. The thought of _her_ book, _her_ words out there for people to read. It wasn’t crazily successful but enough people bought it that they want a second one in a few months and a third one after that, her life has changed from bartending and slowly writing to force feeding herself coffees and sitting in front of her computer for hours at a time, it’s hell on her eyes and her back and she gets headaches and she loves every minute of it.

Mel’s started dating this girl that makes her smile so much that Veronica’s pretty sure will makes her pull her muscles in her cheeks, really, it’s ridiculous but cute. Although Veronica still isn’t swayed by the dating scene – her and Harrison lasted around four months before he started bringing up moving in and things that she _really_ wasn’t ready for so she did the mature thing, and left. Mel and Michelle work well together though, Veronica can already imagine getting invited to their wedding, when they’re allowed to marry.

She’s reached the point in her life where she doesn’t come home every Christmas and Thanksgiving, but she makes a point to call on birthdays and visit at least once a year. It’s awkward going home, she always ends up running into someone who she thought she’d never see again; last time it was Mac, who she supposes wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but it was too awkward for her and she’d much rather not do that again.

And yet, she’s here, again to see everyone.

She never thought that she would ever go to one of these things, she wouldn’t be one of _those_ people, who were just a little bit too in love with their high school versions of themselves. She’s mainly here to see Martha and Betty again, Mel tags along, wanting to see that ‘small town charm’ that Veronica warned her about. Ted wanted to come but he decided against it when he realised that Sherwood was one of _those_ small towns, the kind that he grew up in and hated every minute of it. Some part of her hopes for Heather to show up, she knows that Mac and Duke will most likely come but she wants to _know_ about Heather.

Everyone knew about her, no one knew anything _about_ her.

No one knew about her college choices or what she wanted to do or what she liked to do and Veronica cannot believe that she is still thinking about her in-depth ten years past school.

“Who’s that?” Mel asks behind her drink, pointing toward a man with jet black hair – obviously dyed – and an ill-fitting suit. He turns around and Veronica would recognize that baby-face anywhere.

“Darren Greenfield, last time I saw him, he was passed out on Duke’s trampoline at the graduation party.”

“Sounds like a man who knows how to have a good time.”

“He also thought Reagan was a brilliant president.”

“Why do I get the feeling that you’ll say that about most people here?”

“Because I will.”

“Veronica?” A snarky voice asks behind her. She turns around to see Duke standing there, in a green dress and a glass of wine. “As I live and breathe.”

“Still in green, huh.” Duke rolls her eyes.

“You can’t talk, you’re wearing blue. Hi, I’m Heather Duke.” Veronica hadn’t even noticed that she’d worn all blue, she just owns so much of it. If Mel recognizes the name from one of Veronica’s drunken rants, she doesn’t change her face from the smile that she has plastered on. Mel introduces herself back as Veronica’s roommate and Duke raises an eyebrow at Veronica.

“Not like that Duke.”

“Just saying that you’re the third person tonight who’s told me that they’re here with a ‘roommate’.” She quotes, taking a sip of her drink at the end. Her eyes dart around the room, focusing on one person in particular and smiles. “I read your book, it’s good.”

“I didn’t think that anyone here would’ve read it, let alone remembered who I was.”

“I’m not most people. Plus you threw up on Heather’s shoes and lived the tell the tale.”

Mel’s eyes widen while Veronica snorts in laughter.

“I barely lived.”

Duke rolls her eyes again, Veronica’s glad that she hasn’t changed in the best ways but has improved her confidence, she doesn’t shrink in on herself, she stands tall as her eyes examine Veronica.

There’s a silence that comes from not knowing what to say.

“What you up to now?”

“I’m finishing my doctorate on the evolution of language.”

“Damn, that’s intense, but awesome.”

Duke smiles in a way that Veronica can tell is shy but there’s pride behind it. Veronica always hated how Heather never let Duke flourish like this, deep down she knows it’s because Duke could have easily been the one to lead the group.

“Have you talked to-“

“No.” Duke interrupts.

“That seems fair, I’ve only really kept in touch with Martha.”

“Oh. I’ve only really talked to Mac, never felt right keeping up with _her.”_

“Sounds fair.”

They both know that the conversation is over, they were close, but mainly for protection against Heather, not nearly close enough to gush about the ‘good-old’ days.

“It’s good to see you, Heather.” She smiles.

“Nice to see you too, Veronica. Don’t die. See you in ten years.” She says over her shoulder and slinking off to some random girl Veronica thinks she should know the name of but she really doesn’t.

“So that was one of the ‘Heather’s’”

“Yup.”

“She ruled the school?”

“She was the right had woman, she ran yearbook so she knew everyone’s secrets, the leader hasn’t shown up yet, I don’t know if she will to be honest.”

She doesn’t know why part of her feels let down by it.

“Why not?”

“I dunno,” Veronica shrugs, taking another sip of her drink, “just get the vibe.”

That’s when she sees Martha and Betty come in, looking around for her and she knows that maybe coming back to Sherwood won’t be the worst thing in the world.

\--

_“Ah, Heather, Heather,” there’s sounds of Heather Duke throwing up, “and Heather.”_

_Fuck, Veronica just wanted to pee then she hid because the Heather’s came in and now Flemming is here and she’s honestly just pissed that it’s the first day this is happening._

_“Perhaps you didn’t hear the bell over all the vomiting. You’re late for class.”_

_She can’t see much from where she’s hiding in the stall. She can smell Heather Duke’s vomit, she can see Heather Chandler through the gap between the stalls, she can hear the vague sounds of people running to class outside the door._

_“Heather wasn’t feeling well we’re helping her.” Veronica can hear the teasing tone in her voice toward Flemming, they all know that Flemming could give them detentions before school, after school, suspend them, whatever and nothing would come from it, they would just do it again._

_She really needs to get to History, Mr Benson is a real dick about being late and she’s not ready to chewed out on the first day. She slowly, and as quietly as possible takes out notebook out of her bag, and writes a note that excuses them from class._

_“Not without a hall pass you’re not, week’s detention.” Veronica hates how smug she is, what kind of adult takes so much pleasure in fucking with kids. She opens the stall door and winces at how the three people stare at her, Flemming looks surprised, Heather McNamara just smile while Heather Chandler just narrows her eyes at her._

_God she can feel herself stress-sweating already._

_“Actually Miss Flemming, all four of us are out on a hall pass, yearbook committee.”_

_She snatches the paper from Veronica’s hands and sneers at it._

_“I see you’re all listed. Hurry up and get where you’re going.”_

_Flemming leaves, almost slamming the door behind her, God, she’s like a cartoon villain she’s so dramatic. Heather Duke comes out of the stall and takes some gum from Heather McNamara, Heather Chandler advances on Veronica. She walks up to her and takes a look at the forgery that Flemming left on the sinks._

_“This is an excellent forgery, who are you?”_

_“Veronica, uh, Sawyer.” Heather Chandler goes back to looking at herself in the mirror, acting disinterested in the way that she always does. “I crave a boon.” She blurts out._

_Her head snaps toward Veronica, the other Heather’s watch her from the side-lines, waiting for how their leader will react._

_“What boon?” She snaps._

_Shit now she’s got to come up with one. All Veronica wants it to be left alone, they could do that, by simply associating with them maybe she could walk to class without being called a dweeb or being tripped up by one of the brozos on the football team._

_“Um, let me sit at your table, at lunch. Just once. No talking necessary. If people think that you guys tolerate me they’ll leave me alone.”_

_They all laugh, the mean condescending way that makes every high school girl self-conscious and terrified. Veronica takes a breath and decides to have another go._

_“Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips and absence notes.”_

_That gets their attention. They all still, looking at each other, having a silent conversation that makes Veronica gulp in fear._

_If she dies, Martha is getting everything._

_“How about prescriptions?”_

_“Shut up Heather!”_

_“Sorry Heather.”_

_Heather Duke looks downtrodden as Heather McNamara comforts her as much as she can without the head bitch Heather noticing. She turns to Veronica, one of her hands coming up to hold her jaw, Veronica can see how blue her eyes are, how she has small freckles across her nose, how perfectly placed her lipstick is. Heather’s hands are warm and soft, Veronica can feel her acrylic nails digging into the skin under Veronica’s ear._

_She really is gorgeous isn’t she?_

_It could be imagination but she’s pretty sure that Heather’s eyes rest on her lips for a second longer than the rest of her face. The thought of that makes her blush, she_ really _hopes that she doesn’t notice._

_“For a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure.” She says, it seems that it’s mainly to herself and the others as McNamara comes up to her to carry on talking._

_Does this mean that they’re into excepting the boon?_

_“And a symmetrical face. If I took a meat cleaver down the centre of your skull, I’d have matching halves. That’s very important.”_

_Macabre, but her input has Heather Chandler nodding and Heather Duke looking at her a bit sourly._

_“Of course you could stand to lose a few pounds.”_

_“You could be beautiful.” Heather lets go of her jaw and Veronica finds herself missing the warmth of the hand, she scolds herself, don’t think like that, it’ll get you in a whole load of trouble. They start talking among themselves, about makeup and giving Veronica a makeover._

_How will they make her beautiful in this dingy, shitty school bathroom?_

_“Let’s get you looking beautiful.” Heather McNamara says, almost bouncing with enthusiasm._

_“Okay?” Heather Chandler asks, although it doesn’t feel like much of a question._

_“Okay.”_

\--

Veronica’s thirty and still in Seattle.

She lives in the apartment alone now because Mel and Michelle live in a cute little apartment four blocks away, Ted’s boyfriend moves in him so now there’s a gay that bakes a _lot_ of bread and a gay that burns water so it’s safe to say that they rely on Veronica when it comes to meals a lot. Mel and Michelle and Ted and Haruto come over to watch Friends weekly, watching with baited breath as Ross fucks up another relationship, as Monica and Chandler fall in love.

She finds that she likes it, she likes the way that she feels slightly less alone with them.

Because, god, she feels alone, sleeping through half of Seattle is fun until she realises that she’s dated four people, and the third one was barely a relationship, in her whole life and now she has to get used to dating? It’s stupid.

Martha’s getting married next year, to a nice guy called Burt. He’s a little boring, but he makes her laugh and almost cried when her and Mel accosted him the first time they met so Veronica holds him in pretty high regard, although she can’t really get too mad when he makes Martha smile like she does. Veronica ends up being her maid of honor, and if anybody asks no, she did not cry when Martha asked her. Everyone around her has people that they can rely on properly, Veronica wishes that she could have what they have.

At least the royalties from her books allow her to live in relative freedom, she spends most days sitting in front of her computer and watching as the line of her computer blinks at her, staring back at her as she writes nothing and her deadline gets closer and closer. The publisher is breathing down her neck about writing another romance, the first one was a fluke, she doesn’t know jack-shit about relationships, half of the plot points in the last one was just Mel and Ted and Martha’s love lives mushed together.

She sighs, her head hitting the back of the elevator, her publisher keeps telling her that she needs to bring that date of her new book forward to maintain interests but Veronica just knows that it’ll be better if she spends some more time editing and writing and making it better. She takes of her glasses and rubs her eyes, that computer has been hell on them, all that staring and still barely any words.

The doors finally open on her floor and she’s greeted with boxes strewn across the hall, a woman in red corduroy overalls and curly blonde hair facing away from her.

Finally, Mrs Henderson’s apartment got rented out, Veronica was starting to think it was haunted.

“Come on babe, some of us aren’t strong.”

A female voice teases someone.

Great another couple moving in near her, she just hopes that they don’t fuck loudly. Veronica walks out the elevator and near her door, ready for some takeout and movie night with the couples. 

“A little help here, I’m here to look pretty not carry things.” The same woman in overalls says, it makes Veronica still, she hadn’t really focused on the voice before.

She _knows_ that voice, it’s from Sherwood, from memories that she never thought she’d have to remember.

“Heather Chandler?” She says the words before she can even think about it too much.

The woman in red turns around and sure enough, it’s her.

She has a fringe now, her curls form one, her lips aren’t painted red, her face is older, thinner, her eyes are less mischievous, less ready to insult. The entire way she’s standing is more relaxed, she’s not standing like someone’s nailed a wooden plank to her back.

The photos from the booth that they took when they were seventeen rest heavy in Veronica’s wallet, she’d never had the heart to throw it away, something always stopped her.

“Veronica?”


	2. Chapter 2

“Veronica?” Heather’s voice breaks in disbelief, there’s something in her face that makes her look scared, it’s the way that her mouth stays slightly open, she made the same face for a second on that balcony at Duke’s house. Veronica takes off her glasses and places them in her blazer to distract herself from staring at Heather for an unprecedented amount of time while she tries to think of what to see. She can barely see but she doesn’t care.

“Everything good babe?” A female voice comes from the flat next to Veronica’s, a woman comes out and leans against the doorframe, she’s tall, with curly ginger hair and looks at Heather with a love that reminds her of Mel and Michelle before her eyes fall on Veronica. She’s happy that she interrupted them, Veronica wasn’t quite sure what she would say or do.

“Veronica Sawyer?” She asks, slightly incredulously.

“Uh yeah? That’s me.” She shrugs awkwardly, still trying to get over the shock of seeing _Heather Chandler_ after twelve years. How should she act? Should she be afraid? Should she be angry? For the stupid amount of times that Heather has been on her mind, Veronica has no idea what to do.

Thankfully the other woman takes the reigns of the conversation, either ignoring the awkwardness that’s exuding from them or trying to uphold the conversation or she wants to talk to Veronica, which she’s never really understood because she’s just a woman who writes books, there’s nothing interesting about her.

“I love your books.” The other woman says.

“Uh, thanks?”

Jesus almost three years and she still doesn’t know what to do with attention from fans.

“What’re you doing here?” Heather asks, her voice slightly fearful, but mainly in disbelief.

“Uh, I live here?”

“Oh my god.” The other woman mutters, then looks between them, analyzing the situation, something clearly clicks in her mind. “Wait do you two know each other?”

There’s a hideous moment of silence where Veronica wonders if lying would be the best thing to do, thankfully Heather takes the reigns and talks.

“Me and Veronica were friends in high school.” Heather explains, blushing slightly, the woman rests her arms across Heather’s shoulders in such a familiar way that it shocks Veronica slightly, Heather never let people touch her, the only time she did was that hug at the graduation party. She takes her glasses back from her blazer so she can actually see and watches them stare at each other, full of love.

“And you never thought to tell me babe?” She jokes.

Heather looks at Veronica out the corner of her eyes, checking her reaction. She’s probably wondering if she has the same reaction as half the school found out if Heather Chandler was dating a woman.

“It was a long time ago.” Heather says, they make eye contact, Veronica feels the air get beaten out of her lungs, her eyes are still blue, still that earth shattering, see-right-through-you blue that she couldn’t get out of her head for the first few years after high school.

“Yeah, a long time.”

They remain staring at each other in silence. She needs to call Martha and Mel, or she could go to Ted, no he wouldn’t understand. Veronica’s not even sure what she’s feeling, there’s some fear that’s left over from how Heather was in high school, there’s a curiosity as to what Heather is like, what she does, there’s a confusion, how did they run into each other now?

“I’m Emily, Heather’s partner.” Emily moves forward offering a hand for Veronica to shake. It gives them a good distraction from each other.

“Oh are you two moving in together?” She tries to make her tone as accommodating as possible, so that Heather knows and understands that she doesn’t have to be afraid.

She really hopes they’re not moving in together, something in Veronica tugs at the idea of them being together in the apartment right next to her.

“No, I live downtown but a pipe burst in this one’s apartment so we’re here instead.”

Veronica nods, not entirely sure what to say.

“Is it weird if I ask you for an autograph?”

Heather gasps and hits Emily in the shoulder slightly, giving her a glare that’s barely a fraction of intensity that her stares in Sherwood were.

“Not at all,” Veronica replies, taking a pen out of her blazer and signing the back of what looks like a CVS receipt. Emily stares at it for a second before folding it and putting it in her pocket.

“Okay, I’ll stop being weird now, where was that box you needed your lovely, _strong_ girlfriend to move?” She gives Heather a kiss on her cheek, which she accepts with a smile and points toward the box right next to the door. Veronica feels like she’s intruding on a private moment and stares at her shoes. Emily picks up the box with some ease, she hears Heather mutter ‘show-off’, and walks into the apartment. There’s a silence that’s filled with awkwardness and the desire to talk on both sides but with no idea of what to say.

“Long time no see huh.” Veronica finally says, Heather seems thankful that she speaks first. It’s so unlike her, there’s a spark, a kind, gentle one so different from the girl in Sherwood twelve years ago.

“Yeah.”

“I like your, uh,” Veronica gestures towards her forehead. “bangs.” It’s lame and awkward but it makes Heather smile slightly.

“Well done on the books, Emily loves them, if you couldn’t tell.” She chuckles slightly, she’s happy Heather’s happy, for all of the power she held in High School there was always something slightly off about how she seemed. There was always a feeling that her happiness was a façade, but Veronica tried not to look at Heather’s face and actions for too long back then, she would’ve gotten one hell of an earful.

“She seems nice.”

“She is.”

It’s silent again, both of them not wanting to address the elephant in the room – or, well the hallway. Veronica grasps at straws of conversation in her head, wondering where to go, she gets nowhere.

“I gotta go, uh, unpack.” Heather gestures vaguely in the way of the apartment, turns then closes the door, ignoring the three or four boxes still littering the hallway.

“See ya around.”

Veronica says to no one and lets out a sigh.

This really wasn’t what she was expecting today.

\--

She doesn’t speak to Heather for two weeks after that.

She’s not really complaining about it, it’s not like she wants to be friends again, not that they were really friends in the first place but you know. If they see each other in the halls it always seems to be in opposite directions and they smile at each other then carry on about their business, trying to forget that they knew each other when they were young; that Veronica has seen Heather break people down or bring them back up, all with a few words.

The first thing she does when she gets into her apartment after the shock of seeing Heather is call Martha, which, is interesting to say the least. After Martha being silent for at least a minute she asks what Heather is like. And Veronica answers honestly that she doesn’t know, they barely talked, although she admits that she reckons that she’s a far cry from how she was before, no glares or passive aggression or barely repressed anger – which is not the only thing she’s repressed apparently – just a woman who Veronica knew a long time ago.

But they speak, two weeks later, Veronica is on her way back from a failed date that Mel set up for her, note for herself that she should _never_ let Mel hook her up with someone. She’s holding her heels in her hand and wishing she went with slacks instead of the tight-ish dress she has on. Heather is trying to get into her apartment, she’s swaying slightly and her key is scraping the lock with quite possibly the worst sound she’s ever heard. The sound of the elevator makes her look up from the door and meet Veronica’s eyes, lazily coming to a grin.

“It’s you.”

“Uh.”

“I never thanked you for being mean on Duke’s balcony. So. Thank you.”

She tries to stand straight but almost falls over, Veronica drops her heels and catches her before she can.

“You’re like my knight in shining armor, Veronica Sawyer.” Her grin grows and her words slur together, she’s even drunker than Veronica thought.

“You’re drunk.”

“Me and Emily had a fight.” She says in a way of explanation, her eyebrows furrowing under her bangs and waving her hand around.

Fuck, a shitty date and now a sad, drunk Heather? How annoying could this evening get? Heather’s eyes droop a little and she struggles to stand, even though Veronica’s arm is wrapped around her waist.

She’s going to help her isn’t she? Goddamn it Veronica.

She can’t just leave her here, the hallway is hell on your back if you sleep there – how she knows that is a long and slightly sad story involving tequila and many bad decisions – and it’s embarrassing needing ten minutes to open a door, plus she won’t be able sleep for half an hour if she doesn’t help.

Veronica leans Heather against the wall, picking up her heels and takes the keys from Heather’s hands, they brush and Veronica remembers how cold Heather’s hands always were. She would always complain about them in the snarkiest way while they got ready in the bathrooms before school started.

“Oh yeah?” She prompts, opening Heather’s door and guiding Heather inside, her arm returning to its place around her waist.

“Emily wants me to meet her family but I’m scared. Me! It’s just that, what if they don’t like me? I don’t have a good track record with people. What if I slip back into mythic bitch mode?”

Veronica closes the door, watching as Heather takes of her shoes and throws them somewhere in the flat, she plops herself down on the sofa, taking a second to steady herself before Veronica continues the conversation.

“There’s a mythic bitch mode?”

Luckily Heather’s flat has the same layout and she finds the kitchen, hearing Heather’s voice slightly muffled through the wall. She goes through the cupboards, trying to find a glass.

“Oh, totally, I found out that it isn’t my default setting like, a few years after Senior year.”

“What was that like?”

Finally, Jesus, how many mugs does Heather own?

“Fuckin’ crazy Veronica. I thought I was the fuckin’ worst, turns out I’m only the worst, like, ¾ of the time.”

She fills it up with water and walks to where Heather is sitting, offering her the glass. Heather doesn’t seem to notice it so she just puts it on the table to the side of the sofa, the one with coffee stains littering the surface.

“Hm.”

“And like, Emily is perfect, I should really meet her family but I’m scared, I’m so fucking scared.”

Oh shit.

Heather’s voice starts cracking as she starts crying, trying desperately to hide her tears.

“Hey, hey, come on.”

Veronica sits next to her and awkwardly pats her on the shoulder. Heather pulls Veronica into a bone shattering hug, crying into Veronica’s shoulder, she can feel the tears rolling down her back, god wearing a strapless dress was not the right choice, granted, she had no idea _this_ was going to happen.

“It’s okay, Heather, it’s okay.”

This is one of the weirdest evenings she’s had in a while, this woman who she hasn’t known in _years_ crying on her shoulder after a fight with her _girlfriend,_ the only time she’d ever seen Heather express any actual emotion once, at Duke’s party, so this is an anomaly if pretty epic proportions. It’s pretty clear that she’s changed a lot since the time they were in High School together, it’s unexpected but not unwelcome to see Heather open up slightly. She supposes that she wishes it would happen without her being almost blackout drunk and Veronica in a shitty mood from a shitty date that she really needs to shout at Mel for.

Eventually she tires herself out and starts to fall asleep on Veronica’s shoulder.

“Hey, Heather, do you wanna head to bed maybe?”

“No, you comfy.” She says in a way that’s pretty cute and it makes the corners of Veronica’s mouth flick up slightly. She snaps herself out of the feeling and tries again.

“But I need to go home Heather.”

“No.”

“Heather.”

“Fine.”

She lets go and Veronica finds herself slightly cold from a lack of her arms around her. Heather plops her head down on the other side of the couch and Veronica grabs the gingham, with red checks of course, blanket and throws it over her. Before she leaves she refills the glass and sighs to herself as she lets herself out of Heather’s apartment and back into hers.

Leave it to Heather Chandler to give her life a curveball after so long.

\--

Veronica realizes two days later that she left her heels at Heather’s apartment.

She doesn’t care for them much, they could stay at Heather’s, but she has this irritating, incessant, need to see if she’s alright.

God, why does she care? She really shouldn’t, but she does.

So, she pushes against the feeling and ignores the way that the photos of them at seventeen weighs so heavy in her wallet. It gets to the point where she takes it out and pins in to the corkboard of memories that lies behind her sofa. It feels a bit odd, to put such an set of old, battered photos next to the ones of her and Mel and Ted and Haruto. One of them with Martha in front of the first restaurant she got Head Chef at, Veronica remembers the day clearly, it was one of the best in her lives. There’s one of them at the premiere of Veronica’s first book, she looks so nervous that Veronica hates the photo but she can’t bring herself to take it down. There’s a photo, a shitty one taken by Martha’s shitty camera, of her and JD in the corner. Now and again she wonders how he is, if he’s happy, she hopes he is.

She’s cut off from reminiscing over photos by a knock on the door, figuring it’s Haruto or someone she yells for them to come in. She stays there, staring at the board, still having some traces of memories running through her mine.

“Uh, hey Veronica.”

She quickly turns to see Heather awkwardly standing in the doorway, Veronica’s heels from the other day hanging off her fingers.

“Oh, yeah, I was meant to ask about those.” She smiles at Heather, who is looking around her apartment, taking it in. She takes them from Heather and puts them on her coffee table, still slightly shocked that Heather was willing to see her after Veronica saw her like she was.

“Still love blue.”

“It’s a good colour, better than red.” She defends, quickly slipping into the jokey way she is with her friends.

“You’re just wrong.”

“Can’t be wrong with something that’s subjective.”

They take a second, smiling at each other until it fades and they’re left taking each other in without girlfriends or being drunk to get in the way. Heather’s dressed in a relaxed way, low-rise jeans, red jumper. She can give Veronica shit but she’s still just as obsessed with her colour from High School.

“How long’s it been?” Heather finally speaks up, sounding awfully wistful. Veronica’s still not quite used to her voice having actual emotion in it, she’s still not used to hearing her voice. It’s slightly deeper than it was, maybe their cigarettes have finally caught up with them, and it’s softer, so soft that is sends something down Veronica’s back.

This is the kind of moment where Veronica should hug her but it feels too wrong.

“Twelve years.”

Heather looks away at that point, swallowing slightly.

“You didn’t come to the reunion.” Veronica can’t help the disappointment seeping into her voice, Heather finally breaks eyes contact, looking slightly guilty.

“I didn’t know how.”

It doesn’t make much sense but Veronica understands, it’s the same feeling that almost held her back from going. The room starts to get tense, neither of them know how to breech the topic of High School just yet.

“Thanks for letting me into my place, it would have taken forever.”

“Hey it’s no problem.”

“See you around.” Heather says, it feels like she’s running away but Veronica’s not quite ready to stop her.

\--

She finds out that Ted invited Heather to their weekly dinner the following week. He casually says it, Veronica hasn’t told them that they know each other yet, let alone how well they know each other. Their latest dinners have been consumed with debates on Joey and Rachel vs Rachel and Ross, which makes Michelle always bring up the Rachel and Monica idea and then it escalates from there, when really the only person who likes Ross and Rachel together is Ted; so she hasn’t really brought up the fact that they went to High School together and that Heather was a bully and a friend at the same time.

It’s a lot to explain without Heather there to explain herself.

It’s a kinda lame excuse, but it’s an excuse nonetheless.

She remembers when the Heather’s would come around to play croquet, sometimes they would stay for dinner, Heather would often turn her nose at the pâté that her Mom was so proud of but be surprisingly quiet when she was eating spaghetti with Oregano.

That’s what she’ll cook, something small that might make her comforted.

Mel and Michelle arrive first, a bottle of half empty Gin between them. They’re cheery and put Veronica in a good mood, like they always do, although they do make her stomach sink like she swallowed a stone in remembrance that she doesn’t have someone the way they do.

Michelle tells them a story about her newest client at work and how they fell asleep on the massage table, complete with impressions of the client and the receptionist who was worried that he had died on the table. Veronica has a gin and tonic and starts preparing everything for dinner, ready for this evening.

“Look who we found in the hallway!” Ted’s voice booms through the apartment, Haruto and Heather trailing behind him. “She looked rather lost and confused.”

“Don’t mind him, he’s the worst.” Mel says to Heather, offering a hug to the woman, who seems slightly overwhelmed with it all.

“Hey!”

“She’s right Ted, dear.” Michelle says, backing up her girlfriend. “Hi, I’m Michelle, lovely to meet you – you’re new to the building right?”

“Uh, yes, I moved in a few weeks back. I’m Heather, it’s nice to meet you.”

It’s all a bit hectic, with Ted and Mel already talking a mile a minute with each other, Michelle and Haruto fawning over Heather. She decides to take the initiative and talk over the noise they’ve started.

“Right, this is Mel, you’ve met Ted and Haruto, please sit down my kitchen isn’t big enough for you guys to all be standing up. H, wanna help me?”

“Of course.” He smiles, rolling up the sleeves on his light blue shirt. He starts chopping up the tomatoes and onions for the sauce, while Veronica works on the garlic and measuring everything. Haruto has been good for Ted, he’s lovely, if a bit excitable and a bit too loyal to his friends – causing them to be kicked out of a few bars – and Haruto has made him happier, and he’s great, the only one who she will let help her out with chopping.

“I’m gonna put some music on.” Michelle gets up, kissing Mel on the cheek and walking toward Veronica’s sound system. Rio starts coming from the living room, Michelle dancing back into the kitchen.

“Duran Duran? You’re on thin ice, you know Rio reminds me of Spring Break of 1991.” Ted shudders at the thought. Mel is about to open her mouth for a comeback but thankfully Haruto interjects.

“Tell us about yourself Heather.” He says over his shoulder, in his teacher voice, the calming one that he uses after nap-time, he must’ve seen how nervous she is.

“I’m nothing much really-“ Veronica snorts. “I’m from Sherwood, Ohio, I teach law down at SU, I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost a year now that’s it really.”

“Wait.” Mel says, her eyes darting between Veronica and Heather. “Chandler?” She points at Heather, who goes pale and takes another drink of her wine. “This is Heather Chandler? She ruled the school? You threw up on _her_ shoes?”

“God I was hoping that you wouldn’t bring up the throwing up incident.”

“To be fair you told me to ‘lick it up baby’.” She uses air quotes and Mel looks like she’s gotten Christmas early.

“For those of us who have no idea what is going on could you fill us in.” Ted quickly cuts in.

“We went to High School together.” Veronica explains, heating up the water.

“Yeah, I was kind of a shitty person and, uh, I’ve tried to do a 180 and not be the worst.”

“Well good on you.” Mel says, giving her a smile.

It’s silent for a moment, only Duran Duran and the sound of boiling water can be heard before Ted speaks up.

“So, what was our novelist like in high school?”

“She had this uncanny ability to copy handwriting.”

“And you don’t do our rent documents?”

“There’s a difference between cutting class and getting thrown in jail _Ted.”_

“Oh and the monocle.”

“Kill me now.”

“But then who would cook us food?”

“Ugh, you know me too well, I’ll cook for you guys _then_ fling myself off the balcony.”

The group all talks over each other again, this time Heather doesn’t look like a deer caught in headlights, she still looks slightly startled but more determined to have a good time. Thankfully the conversation drifts from High School, no one at the table really having an overall positive experience from it, and they start talking the now. Mel tells more stories about nightmare clients, Ted talks about his boring job that pays the bills and Heather’s face lights up when she talks about teaching law to the students of Seattle, an expression that Veronica never saw from her. She had wondered for so long what someone like Heather would do, she never showed any interests in anything besides making people’s lives a living hell and yet, her life seems to fit her like a glove.

The meal goes on for what seems like hours, they’re constantly telling Heather about stories, to which she responds to hers and it feels so shockingly normal, as if she’d always been there, and as if she wasn’t one of the worst people Veronica had ever met.

Heather catches Veronica’s eyes on the other side of the table and she smiles at her.

It makes something, she’s not quite sure what, drop to the bottom of her stomach.

Shit, Heather coming back might cause more problems than anticipated.

\--

Veronica hates the word ‘crush’, she hates the word ‘fancy’ (and Michelle’s obsession with the word after she went to England to see her brother), she hates anything to do with liking someone.

It’s childish. She’s thirty, almost thirty one, for god’s sake. The idea of having a crush on someone sounds ridiculous.

And yet.

Heather is starting to become a staple of the group, her girlfriend, Emily, joins them most of the time and Veronica is starting to get a, she can’t believe she’s saying this, crush.

It becomes apparent, embarrassingly so, in a bar that Haruto told them about. It’s not too big, not too small either, the floors aren’t too sticky and there’s a pool table, which is a win. Veronica comes with Ted and Haruto, the other two couples on the way. The order a round of beers and sit back, Veronica going into detail about what her editors and publishers want from her. Finally, the other four show up five minutes after each other, Michelle sporting a mark on her neck and Mel looking rather disheveled.

Ah, that’s why they’re late.

“Sorry, sorry, I was finishing up some calls and Heather was nice enough to wait for me.” Emily starts throwing her jacket across the chair, Heather smiling as she hugs the others, Ted giving her a kiss on both cheeks. “I’ll get the next round in reparations.”

“Honestly you don’t need to-“ Haruto starts but Michelle cuts him off.

“Shh, don’t you want free beer?”

“I’ll help you carry them.”

Veronica understands the appeal of Emily, her muscles flex easily whenever she moves her arms, her smile is kind without being condescending, the same smile that she’s giving Veronica now. And she knows what the feeling is, deep in her stomach, the feeling of jealousy, the one she shouldn’t have and yet it’s bubbling away, ready to boil already.

The worst part about feelings starting to rise, the ‘again’ that lives in the back of her head threatens to rear its ugly head, is that Heather was a shitty person in 1989, and she’s very much not a shitty person now. When she was the worst, Veronica could hide her feelings under anger or hate or a mix of both that some people get confused about with desire half the time; but now, she’s nice, she’s kind, she winces when people mention High School, all of it is slightly too much. Part of her is saying that she should still dislike Heather a little, after what she put them all through for so long, but she can’t bring herself too, it’s clear she absolutely despises her old self, Veronica does too, ugh she doesn’t want to think about all of this now, thankfully starts speaking when they approach the bar and all thoughts of High School Heather are shot out of Veronica’s brain.

“Is it weird if I ask you about your next book?” She asks, the back of Veronica’s neck itches and she reaches to calm the feeling and smiles slightly.

“Unfortunately, I’ve signed a few too many NDA’s to do that. I’ll just say that people are happy.”

“Ah, I understand.”

“What do you do? You mentioned calls earlier?”

The bartender finally reaches them.

“Hey can I just get seven beers, yeah whatever’s on draft, thank you. Yeah I, uh, I’m a HR advisor, it’s kinda dull but it pays well and I got friends at work.”

Emily somehow juggles four pints in her hands while Veronica has three between her and they get back to the table with minimal spillages.

“Wanna get a pitcher after this?”

“Depends, do we wanna get drunk?”

“I don’t want to be sober.”

Seven pitchers, two more rounds of beers, a couple of shots and three hours later they’re finally playing pool.

Michelle bowed out immediately, wanting to spectate rather than take part, she quickly assured everyone that it was due to her arms being tired from massaging all day rather than her ability. Mel still plays and almost beats Haruto, who starts off weak but ends up winning in a tie-breaker with the final black ball. Ted attempts to play but his motor skills plummet significantly when even a drop of alcohol enters his system so they quickly steer him toward the chair. Emily is about to start against Veronica but a call from work pulls her outside, she can see Heather’s face come to a fake smile as Emily kisses her on the cheek and leaves.

Heather is absolutely horrendous at pool.

Like, genuinely, absolutely shocking.

Veronica watches as Heather lines up a shot, her eyes shooting down to where a part of her shirt has ridden up from her low-waisted jeans. The little sliver of skin is something Veronica can’t quite take her eyes from, until she remembers that she shouldn’t be checking out her friends, especially when said friends girlfriend is just outside on the phone. Heather’s shot is absolutely ridiculous, she hits the white but completely misses the other balls.

“C’mon Demon Queen I expected you to be better than this.” Veronica jokes, the alcohol going to her head a bit, but in the way that makes her confident instead of an irritation. She chalks her cue while Heather rolls her eyes. She tries to avoid direct eye contact with Heather, lest Veronica starts to think things she shouldn’t about a new friend.

“Piss off.”

“I’m sorry what’s ‘Demon Queen’? Is this another High School thing?” Ted asks, under Haruto’s lap, with a dopey smile and a red face.

“Yes that was everyone’s nickname for her.”

“That was _your_ nickname for me.”

“Yeah well JD had a better one.”

Veronica faintly hears Ted ask about JD and Mel steps in to answer this one, she’s too focused on everything Heather’s doing to really pay attention to the others. She’s not wearing the perfume, the one that permeated her thoughts so much when they were friends, the expensive one that made her cough. Veronica can’t help but stare at her lips as they form a smirk.

“What?”

Veronica tries to snap out of it by staring at the pool table, acting like she’s thinking about her next couple of shots.

“He called you guys the ‘Lipstick Gestapo’.”

“That is rich coming from Bo Didley.”

“Hey! He wasn’t that bad.”

“You told me that he thought about blowing us up multiple times.”

“And then he went to therapy.”

“So did I, he’s not special.”

“You’re an ass sometimes.”

“Sometimes?”

They’ve gotten close, very close, Veronica hasn’t even gotten the white ball out of the pocket yet, too preoccupied with Heather and her words and their banter and-

“Sorry about that.” Emily comes back in, nose a bit red from the cold, signature smile on her face.

“Your girlfriend is awful at this game.”

“Oh yeah, she tried to talk a big game on our second date but it didn’t go too well.” She laughs, Heather leans into her side, almost purposely ignoring eye contact with Veronica.

Some form of jealously is creeping up her stomach, she clears her throat and focuses on the game.

God, it couldn’t be enough that Veronica was crushing _hard_ on someone from twelve years ago, no, it had to be someone from High School who now has a girlfriend.

\--

It’s been two months since Heather moved in.

Nothing has changed dramatically except her integration into the group being effortless, and the sporadic way that Emily would show up to things now and again. Her and Heather seeming to get along well enough but recently becoming more and more strained, Veronica knows that Heather still hasn’t met Emily’s parents and that Emily is working more and more outside of office hours. It’s weird, watching a relationship breakdown from the outside, Mel once said that something about them seemed good but not great and Veronica couldn’t help but agree. The selfish part of her wants them to fall apart, but Heather normally seems so carefree and happy around Emily that she wants them to somehow work is out.

But all thoughts of Heather and Emily and life have been pushed out of her head for the last four days, she’s been trying to write but she’s so behind that she’s doing the tried method of locking herself in her apartment until something happens.

It’s not healthy but it works, half the time anyway.

“For fuck’s sake!” Veronica deletes yet another line of her book – twenty pages behind what the publisher wants. Words used to pour out of her, she used to get ideas and write and write and write, leaving her editors in the dust but that well of words has dried up. Nothing seems right, making her characters argue, fall in love, fight, hurt, comfort, fuck, nothing feels right. She takes off her glasses and rubs her eyes, she checks the clock, Jesus, has it been that long?

Four hours she’s been sat at her desk, only five of the thirty pages she needed to write done, and she’s not even sure if they’re any good.

She’d never seen herself as a quitter, but she’s so goddamn tempted to with this one.

There’s a knock at the door.

“It’s open!” She shouts, tossing her glasses on the table and saving her document.

“It’s me.”

Heather.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“We have plans?”

“No, today’s Wednesday?”

She grabs her glasses again, Heather looks shocked, confused and a little worried while she stares at Veronica. She looks down at what she’s wearing, a flannel and sweatpants, no socks and a mysterious stain on her right sleeve that looks like the cheesy Doritos dip that she’s addicted to.

That means it’s been five days since she’s left her apartment, and even seen sunlight.

God, had she not showered in five days?

“Yes? Are you okay?”

“Writer’s block is being a bitch.”

“It’s being such a bitch that you forgot what day it was?”

Veronica stutters out something but Heather is quick to shut her up, she strides into Veronica’s apartment, taking off her heels and heading straight to the kitchen.

“No, when was the last time you ate?”

“Well, if today’s Wednesday then yesterday?”

“Veronica Annie Sawyer!”

“That isn’t my middle name.”

“I don’t care, you’re going to give me a heart attack one day.”

“How?”

“By you not taking care of yourself dumbass.”

“I-“

Heather rolls up her sleeves and starts preparing things for food, she brandishes one of Veronica’s knives and starts chopping. Veronica feels slightly like a fish, staring at Heather with her mouth opening and closing.

“Put some music on- not Sinatra! – And relax, while I make us some food.”

Veronica pouts at the fact that all of her friends make sure that she can’t listen to her favourite artist, but she puts on some Nina Simone anyways and sits down.

“Nope.” Heather points at the door to her bedroom.

“What?”

“Get changed into something else.”

“Why?”

“It’ll make you feel better, oh and shower.”

“What?”

“Veronica.”

“Fine, but I’m doing this because I want to not because you have a knife in your hand.”

Heather is, like she normally is, right about the shower and changing into some new clothes, the shower shakes her to her bones, warming her through. Her joints relax as she lets the water roll off her, she feels cleaner, fresher, nicer in general. She gets out of the shower to the smell of whatever Heather is cooking, and it’s deliciousness. Veronica is drawn to the food but remembers that she’s only in a towel. She’s tempted to put on her sweatpants again but Heather’s words ring in her head, maybe some new clothes might help the words fly out of her fingers again.

She goes back to the living room in jeans and a jumper and ends up watching Heather as she cooks, it looks like she’s always been in this kitchen, but it’s just been the last couple of weekly dinners where she’s helped out – sometimes cooked more than Veronica. She sits at the table, drinking from a gin and tonic that Heather made and left on the table for her. Heather looks so relaxed that Veronica says nothing, their comfortable silence speaking volumes to how they are, Heather speaks when the tell-tale sound of ice against a glass rings out through the room.

“You know the state of your kitchen is tragic.”

“I haven’t been shopping in a while.”

“I can tell.” She takes whatever it is off the hob and places it into two plate.

“What did you make?”

“Well you barely had anything, but here’s some chicken noodle soup.”

They end up on opposite sides of the table, Heather’s cooking warms Veronica through, and it tastes delicious as it slides down Veronica’s throat. She hadn’t realized how hungry she was until the bowl was in front of her, she finishes it in record time, slurping sometimes and blushing until she sees Heather looking at her with a soft expression that she can’t quite explain or understand. After washing up, which took a lot of convincing on Veronica’s part, Veronica starts telling stories of all the things Heather has missed.

They stand in front of the corkboard, staring at a picture of her and Mel in College and how crazy they were, especially in Freshmen year. She’s about to go onto another story of her and Mel and Ted and some of their adventures before they both got partners when she catches Heather staring.

“You still have it.” Her voice is soft as she nods her head toward the photo of them together at seventeen.

“Yeah, couldn’t bring myself to throw it out.”

“You know we haven’t talked about it.”

“What?”

“High School.”

“Why should we? It was a long time ago.”

“I don’t know, something feels weird with the way that we just became friends.”

“We weren’t friends before?”

Heather scoffs and takes a drink of her gin. Veronica watches her every mood, she doesn’t _want_ to talk about High School,

“You were under my boot Veronica, that hardly constitutes as friends.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t blame you. What was it I said? ‘I don’t think you’re a completely awful person’, and look at that, you’re only a mildly awful person.”

“Please don’t joke Veronica.”

“Okay, I won’t. What’s up, you were all fixing me earlier and now you look like you’re about to cry.”

“It’s the photo, I can’t believe I lost it. I can’t believe I was such a bitch to everyone around me, I was awful to you, to Martha, to JD and Betty and the entire student body and now I can’t undo any of the damage that I’ve done and I-“

“Woah, woah, Heather you’re gonna give yourself a panic attack.”

Veronica takes the glass from her hands and places it on the nearest surface to them, she takes Heather’s hands and starts moving her thumb in circular motions.

“I just, want to make it all better but I can’t.”

Heather throws her arms around Veronica, she can feel the blonde shaking slightly from the effort of not crying.

“Pay it forward.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You were a dick, a really big dick but if you take every bad action you did and do a good things instead, you’re paying it forward.”

“You really think so?”

“I know so.”

Heather pulls back, wiping her eyes.

“God, that’s embarrassing.”

“No it isn’t, don’t say that. You’re allowed to feel.”

“Am I? Isn’t it a bit selfish to wallow about that?”

“A little, but you can’t help that. Just try to move on, you’re already a better person, I can see that, if you still feel like you have to atone for your sins then carry on being good – it’s all you can do.”

“Thanks Veronica.”

“Hey it’s the least I can do, you got me to shower.”

She rolls her eyes and Veronica’s stomach does the same.

This may be getting out of hand.

\--

A week later Veronica is woken up by someone knocking at her door.

“I’m coming.” She shouts, slurring slightly, still waking up.

The knocking carries on, somehow even louder.

“I said I’m coming! Jesus Christ.” She falls out of her bed and runs to the door, throwing it open.

“Emily and Heather broke up.” Comes Haruto’s voice in the hallway, Veronica can barely see him from not getting her glasses in her hurry to stop the knocking, she can see outlines of two people, one blonde, one brunette and she sound of sniffling. His voice is quiet.

“Come in, put some coffee on. What time is it?”

She opens the door further and let the blurry people come it.

“It’s noon, were you asleep?” Haruto asks.

“Yeah, I stayed up writing, you know how it is, if you’re in the mood you gotta take advantage. Lemme grab my glasses then I’m all yours.”

When she comes back, and is able to actually see, she finds that Heather is sniffling quietly on her sofa while Haruto and Ted are having a hushed conversation in the kitchen.

“So what’s going on?”

“Emily broke up with her, something about not putting enough in the relationship?” Ted says, stirring some sugar into a coffee, clearly asking if Veronica knew more about their relationship than Heather told them.

“She was afraid to meet Emily’s parents, that could be it. Although, Em was always taking calls and stuff, it didn’t really feel right near the end I don’t think.” She says, still waking up. Ted gives her the mug of coffee that smell like it’s half sugar and points her in the direction of Heather.

“Heya, Heather, what’s up?”

“You know what’s up.”

“Well drink this, it’s got enough sugar in it to sink the Titanic.”

“What does that even mean?” She laughs slightly.

“Gonna be honest, I don’t know, but sugar helps with shock and stuff.”

“You think I’m in shock?”

“I don’t know, sugar helps, that’s all I know. Unless you’re diabetic, obviously.”

Her smiles gets a bit wider and she takes a sip of the coffee. She’s wearing sweatpants and a jumper, something you never thought you’d see on her, she always hated the idea of sweatpants in school, going as far as to ban any of the Heathers (and Veronica) from wearing them when they’re in the presence of her. But, as Veronica has noticed, she has changed a _lot_ since High School.

“You good?” She asks as Ted and Haruto come back, Ted sitting on the floor in front of Heather while Haruto sits next to her, and placing a comforting hand around her shoulders, which she quickly leans into.

“I don’t know. I thought we would be together until the end, I, wasn’t excepting this.” She covers her mouth and her shoulders start shaking.

“You can cry, we’re here for you.” Ted says, giving her a comforting squeeze of her knee. His voice is uncharacteristically soft, she’s made her way into the group so quickly and so wonderfully that it sometimes feels odd that she hasn’t always been there. Haruto takes the mug from her hands and gives it to Ted, who places it on the table.

“What if I never find love again?” She says into Haruto’s chest, Veronica bites her lip, she want to tell her that she’s right here, that she’ll love her for however long they have, for as long as she needs, but she doesn’t, it’s not right, it’s too much. She feels Ted’s gaze on her and she knows that he knows how she feels; her feelings toward Heather are like the worst kept secret in the world, everyone but Heather knows, she’s pretty sure that even Emily had an idea of her feelings.

“You will, Heather, of course you will.” Haruto murmurs, kissing her on her head, his arms around her in a comforting embrace. They stay like that for a while, Heather curled up into Haruto, Ted and Veronica with comforting hands on her knee and shoulder.

“Are we at the bashing Emily stage yet?” Ted asks, Heather laughs through her tears and although it’s all a bit messy right now, Veronica knows that she’ll get through this, she knows that Heather will be better, get better and love again.

\--

Heather gets better after a few weeks, it takes some time, but she gets better. She cries when she finds one of Emily’s t-shirts but Veronica quickly throws it out and makes her coffee and it helps, only a little, but it helps and that’s all that matters.

Months pass, they get closer and closer, Mel and Michelle get engaged on a Wednesday and they celebrate for drinks that take a toll of Veronica for two days but she doesn’t care out of joy for her friend. They know they can’t officially get married but they’re planning to go to California to get a civil partnership next Summer, it’s perfect and them and Veronica is so happy for them she could burst. Veronica goes on dates, she knows that she’ll never get to be with Heather so she tries her efforts someplace else and fails, over and over again. She sleeps with people who are all wrong, too tall, too short, too old, too young, too brunette, she dates and hates them all, almost always coming back to an empty flat and falling asleep on the sofa.

Time passes, like it always does and suddenly it’s Fall and time to go see her childhood best friend get married to a man who is a little dull but wonderful.

Martha’s wedding, unsurprisingly, is absolutely stunning.

Ed Dunnstock walks her up the aisle with tears streaming down his face, she’s not quite sure how he’s seeing properly but he makes it in one piece, giving her a kiss on the cheek and shaking Burt’s hand. Burt has been staring at Martha with such love in his eyes that is fills Veronica with so much joy that Martha will be with someone that she loves and that will love her forever; she’s not much of a romantic but she knows when two people are meant to stay together.

There was talk, for a week or two, on whether Heather should come, but she immediately declined, not feeling comfortable with going to the girl she bullied wedding, as well as just breaking up with her girlfriend, it wasn’t a good mix, so she’s staying back in Seattle while everyone drives down to San Francisco – Ted was adamant on a road trip and Michelle doesn’t want to have to fly for no reason – it’s fun, if a little tedious but she has nice conversations with Michelle about her and Mel, and Haruto tells her all about the children he’s teaching this year, with a fond smile on his face.

In the silence where everyone napped, Veronica’s mind drifted to Heather, her smile, the way her laugh sounds like a broken kettle, the way that she sends shooting hot sparks down her spine, the way that Veronica blushes if she compliments her. God, it’s like she’s in High School but it’s even worse because she’s actually aware of her feelings this time. But she’s an adult and she likes the friendship she’s built with Heather, she’s too old to be ruining things with romantic intentions, spending time with the other woman is good enough.

They get there the day before the wedding, Martha meets them out of the hotel with a massive smile on her face. She hugs Veronica and it feels like home, she will vehemently believe that Martha is one of the only good things to come out of Sherwood. They get settled in, Mel and Veronica sharing, the boys sharing the other room, Michelle stayed back in Seattle, not being able to swing enough days off work.

Veronica’s not the maid of honor, like they had dreamed about as kids, or even a bridesmaid, but she doesn’t care, she’s still at this wedding, she hasn’t missed it. She cries at the first dance, Ted makes a fool of himself on the, making everyone do the macarena – and half the time it wasn’t even the song Macarena. Mel and Martha had a great time making fun of Veronica and they danced together so ABBA while Ted had a drink to cool himself down.

Their farewell to Martha is teary, but overall joyful, they’re going on to Europe on their honeymoon, Ted was quick to point out that Europe was a big place and wanted to know in detail about where they were going, but they needed to lest a twelve hour drive becomes thirteen. Martha hugs her so fiercely, she’s afraid her organs will explode but she doesn’t care, she wants this from her, never wants to lose her.

They leave the next day, most of them hungover and with only Mel remembering that they needed clothes for three days so they spend the twelve hour drive back in their rumpled wedding clothes, laughing and joking and sleeping until they pull up outside their apartment building. They say goodbye to Mel, who walks the two blocks back home and ride the elevator up together. They don’t hug in the hallway or say goodbye, they just wave and grunt at each other as they make their way into their own apartments.

She lets out a sigh as she leans on the door to close it. Throwing the duffle bag somewhere, she sits on the sofa, ready to fall asleep too early when there’s a knock at the door.

“Open!”

“You know you really should stop shouting that your doors open.”

Even though she was ready to go to sleep two seconds ago, she suddenly more awake than she’s ever been.

“Well, I couldn’t be bothered to open the door.”

“Do you wanna be alone?”

“Heather I’m always happy to see you.”

She comes in and sits down on the sofa next to Veronica.

“How was it?”

“Is it weird if I say magical?”

“No, that sounds wonderful.”

“It really was.”

“Stand up, I wanna see you in this suit.”

Veronica stands up and does a jokey little turn, she then puts on some Frank Sinatra, the introduction starts playing and Heather looks at her quizzically, still sitting on the sofa.

“Let’s dance.”

“Why?”

“Because I’ve danced a lot, and with a lot of people, in the last 24 hours but I haven’t been able to dance with you.”

She reluctantly gets up, her hand fitting perfectly in Veronica’s as they start slow dancing.

“You’ve picked such a sad song.”

“It’s my second favourite album of his.”

They’re still facing each other, not quite in a lover’s hold yet. Veronica watches Heather’s face, so different from when they first knew each other, she’s filled out more, and her bangs do her justice that Veronica never thought they would. Red doesn’t seep into every one of her movements and fashion but it’s still there, now and again, she nails are red right now, shiny and beautiful against Veronica’s bitten, blank nails.

“Why not chose your first?”

“That’s _too_ sad for dancing to.”

Veronica starts humming along and slowly, ever so slowly, as if testing the waters before the plunge, Heather starts to rest in the crook of Veronica’s neck. She can feel small puffs of breath against her neck and she isn’t quite prepared for how they send shivers down her spine. Heather’s hand moves from her shoulder to the base of her neck and starts playing with the hairs there, god, it makes her weak at the knees.

Reluctantly, Veronica has to turn over the record, it seems almost half an hour has passed; it felt like two minutes, the way they were swaying, in each other’s arms, Veronica felt like she could do this forever. When she returns from the player, the somber music flowing into the room, Heather pulls her back into their previous hold, her fingers still playing with her hair.

It’s a moment that Veronica never wants to forget, she wants to take a picture and hang it up on her corkboard. She wants a film made of her life and this moment to be the ending, she wants Heather to stay like this forever.

“Veronica, are we friends?”

Heather’s questions startles her – if they weren’t friends what else would they be?

But then she thinks, they’re an almost. They’re almost _something,_ just out of reach, they aren’t quite sure, or brave enough to take the dive.

“I don’t think so, no.”

Heather looks up at her then, her eyes searching Veronica’s face.

“Veronica?”

“Yes?”

“Can I kiss you?”

Veronica dips her down, her forehead resting against Heather’s, her heart going a hundred miles an hour, she can feel her hand shaking in Heather’s hand and against her back. They make eye contact, searching each other until, finally, twelve years too late, Heather’s lips meet Veronica’s.

Veronica lets out a breath through her nose as at feeling of her lips, they’re soft and kind as they slowly move against her. Heather’s hand keeps her head steady, Veronica uses the hand on her hip to pull her closer.

“I’ve waited my whole life, to know I’ve wanted you.” Heather whispers against Veronica’s lips before they kiss again, she only slightly understands what Heather means, but she doesn’t want to unpack that perfect statement, said into her mouth, she wants to focus on the feeling of them together. The warmth from Heather’s hands, one linked against hers, the other lightly tugging on the hairs at the base of her neck, Heather’s lips against hers, Heather’s body against hers, everything is perfect and too much at the same time. Eventually, she pull away and Veronica kisses her forehead, lightly, and they end up back in their lovers pose.

“Heather?”

“Yes?”

“Would you like to go on a date with me?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

\--

Veronica’s thirty five and living in Seattle, a different apartment, with the same people nearby.

She’s writing what she wants, and she’s writing a lot.

She’s got a caring girlfriend that she loves so much it almost hurts.

And she’s got a ring in a velvet box in her sock drawer and she thinks that Heather has one hidden in their flat too.

And she knows that she will ask soon.

Because she’s in love and she’s happy and ready for her future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading !!
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed this xx
> 
> My tumblr is 'its3amandiamverytired' and comments are like a hot chocolate in the wintertime but please don't feel obligated to leave any :):)

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed xx
> 
> Comments are the equivalent of cancelling plans in terms of instant relief but please don't feel the need to leave one
> 
> Join me on tumblr if you wanna talk about stuff: 'its3amandiamverytired'


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